Today I got a call. This is not an unusual occurence, because unlike the members of a certain punting forum would have you believe, my phone is not dusty. But this was from one of Darla's regular wasters, who at least has the decency and self-respect to use a different SIM card every time he calls. We wouldn't want to make it too easy on Darla, now would we?
Except this guy really does. Every time he calls he puts on this fake Hannibal Lecter voice that slips in and out from his normal voice even more regularly than McNulty does on the Wire. As such I refer to this guy by the nickname Han, because believe you me, any sex act he had ever participated in has been solo. He usually wants things of a domination-y nature and tonight was no different. Here is a transcript of the call.
Darla: Hello?
Han: Mmmmmmm....yes, is that Darla?
Darla: Why yes! How can I help you?
Han: (taking a sip of Chianti..OK, OK. It was Buckfast.) Hello, I'm new to Glasgow and have been reading your website. I want a new regular mistress to replace the one I left behind down South. I'm English, you see (in a Glaswegian accent)
Darla: (smelling bullshit) Righty-ho?
Han: (munching his fava beans and rubbing his nipples) I want you to dominate me...financially. I'm a solicitor and have lots of disposable income.
Darla (fully aware of the imminent shite attack) OK, how does this work?
Han: I am going to text you my credit card number, and you have two hours to go and buy anything you want online.
Darla: OK, you've just asked me to commit credit card fraud. What kind of a retard do you think I am?
Han: (sucking his teeth)
Darla: And you're obviously too retarded to read my website because if you could, you see I only deal in CASH!
I really miss the corded landline phones that you can just slam down. Seriously.
There are so many fucking problems with this I don't even know where to begin. Here's all the things I wish I had said:
While I commend the multiple SIM cards, Han, the least you could do is change your accent. And if you're going to use a different accent, take some acting classes. And when you tell me that you want a regular arrangement without ever having met me, my bullshit barometer is sky high. The fact is, two perfectly lovely people can be absolutely fine but just not click. Book once and see.
Darla knows the law. It kind of goes with the profession. It makes me a little bit suspicious when you tell me that you're a solicitor from England who has just moved to Scotland. I know there are ways and means to transfer your skills from one legal system to the next, but you'll never convince me with a Hannibal Lecter clown voice.
As far as the credit card thing goes, all I can say is dude, seriously? I buy a lot of stuff online. All sites will require my delivery address AND the credit card's registered address. If I were to purchase something with your card, you would be able to call the credit card company, report fraudulent use, right down to a specific time frame, and get my civilian name and address.
One thing that the News of the World scandal has taught us is that journalists can't do all the evil shit they used to do. I can think of no better way to out an escort than getting her to do illegal shit for you. Darla isn't stupid, and she will not fall for your games.
In short, if you're going to try to trick Darla, do it right.
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